Love

At the beginning of a relationship you pretend to be much nicer than you actually are. Like, for the first bit it’s just “Yeah I’ll just nod and listen, yeah I’m much nicer than I actually am. Sure come back to my house we’ll watch its A Wonderful Life; I find the end very touching. You hang up, no you hang up, no you hang up.” Then after about a week I have to go like “oh by the way I probably should have mentioned this,” and blaaagh! its like black eels fly out of my abdomen with smoke and evil, and then I have to be like a flasher doing up his coat, “oh sorry about that.”

It makes me lament the death of chivalry and romance, because when you hear older people talking about how they met, it’s always a beautiful romantic story, so much more romantic than the tales we have of how we meet people now. Describing to your grandchildren would be quite different, “sit down, sit down, so I was on MySpace and I saw your grandma and I noticed she had quite nice boobs, so I used pick up lines to disorient and confuse her. And she came on a date, and you know then your mom was born. I wasn’t around then of course, I’d moved on.”

One of the reasons I can’t seem to get into a serious relationship is because I sort of worry about how boring it would be to be in a monogamous relationship. Monogamy is only one letter different than Monotony (Don’t try and check that in your mind, it’s just one letter different.) And when you see something like this, it really enforces this idea, i'm sure they are lovely, but they seem a little dull. Listen to them explain in what is best put as tedious detail:

There are other ways of finding love and romance, like classifieds, the internet and lonely hearts columns, similar to this one that I read: Hello no name lady, my names Harry and I live in Sandy and I’m 30 which puts me at the top end of your age range. I’m 6’2”.But listen as he tries to describe himself to a potential love partner, he’s really kind of down on himself and hard on himself, listen to his grim inventory of sadness and terror: I’d like to be slimmer, my hair is growing a lot as are my teeth. Mental capacity, umm I think the jury is still out on that one. I’m a retired police officer, could lose about 20 pounds, if I’m not what you’re looking for then all the best to you. I’ve got terrible BO, I drink too much, I don’t like children I think their eyes are too close together, I use violence to get what I want. Alright maybe I made up those last few.Ultimately, what can we learn? Love is the spark of divinity that there is salvation in love because love is the thing that unites us all, and is in essence life that is found everywhere, it doesn’t matter that it’s transient or that it often breaks our heart. All that matters is that we can all share it in a moment. I’ve researched it and that is my conclusion.

Childhood

Well I thought I would test the blog waters, though this will be more my random thoughts than a journal of my life. I’ve been thinking about childhood, and yeah, childhood is kind of unusual, because as a child you sort of take things at face value and have an odd way of prioritizing things. In my childhood these are the things I thought about most: Rabies, and getting rabies. I was really worried about it and as a result I know a lot about rabies even now. Are you scared of water? Have you got foam around the mouth? That’s Rabies. And also quicksand, I was really worried about quicksand, I remember at points in my life saying the words “Oh no, there might be quicksand!” and “Careful of quicksand.” Quicksand isn’t everywhere is it? It’s probably rather uncommon but I was worried about it on a daily basis. If quicksand is so dangerous, how come that sign that is stuck in the quicksand doesn’t sink? It’s not that dangerous then is it. Because fear is used an awful lot in childhood to control people, I remember being told “oh be careful with chewing gum, don’t ever swallow chewing gum dear or it will make a web inside ya” or “Don’t swallow the seeds in an apple, it will make a tree grow, a tree will bloom through your head, you’ll be a tree boy and no one will love you.” Looking back there is probably only a few things that I really got joy out of as a child, I liked it if you were at school and a dog got in the playground for a bit, all bets were off then, it was just “Wooo! There’s a dog in the playground, yes! yes!” or do you remember when sometimes at school, naughty children would just turn up at school on BMX’s, that don’t go to school even. These kids were all reckless like pirate children, you wanted to join these children and be their squire on their rogueish lifestyles. We then progress onto teenagers and it’s like the end of childhood innocence no longer are we snug in what Jim Morrison called, “The wooly cotton brains of infancy” and soon long for those days.